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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435181">The Brain Remembers the Trauma</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicgirl1120/pseuds/musicgirl1120'>musicgirl1120</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Month of Marina [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Station 19 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Panic Attacks, past trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:27:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435181</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicgirl1120/pseuds/musicgirl1120</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been one year since they got back together after Maya cheated on Carina, realized her dad was abusive, and they reconciled.  However, the anniversary of all of those things turns out to be a lot more difficult than either of them thought.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maya Bishop &amp; Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Month of Marina [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>140</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So the title of this is based off of what Meredith said to Andy in the season 3 finale.  I hope you like it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maya had been feeling weirdly anxious and grumpy for the past few days.  She had been working hard, but this seemed like more than that to her which was annoying because she couldn’t figure out what was going on. </p><p> She was starting to feel a little like how she did about a year earlier when she had first started seeing Dr. Lewis and got diagnosed with severe, chronic anxiety and depression.  She had been on medications for the past 11 months, and they had been working pretty well for about the past six.  </p><p>She sighed as she walked into the apartment she and Carina had officially been sharing for the past four months.  </p><p>“Hey Bella,” the brunette said, smiling from the couch where she was reading a book, “How was work?”  </p><p>“Fine,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes as she walked into the bedroom. </p><p> Carina sensed something was off and followed.  </p><p>“What’s going on Bella?” Carina asked as Maya pulled off her work clothes.  </p><p>“I’ve just been having some off days,” Maya said, shrugging as she pulled on a t-shirt, “I just feel weirdly anxious and I’ve been having a hard time sleeping again.”  </p><p>“Makes sense,” Carina said, nodding, “I have too.” </p><p> “Why?” Maya asked, sitting down on the bed next to Carina. </p><p> “Tomorrow, it will have been a year since everything went down,” Carina said, not looking at Maya, knowing that talking about the incident with Jack was still a heavy source of shame for the blonde.  </p><p>“Oh,” Maya said, biting her lip, “I didn’t even realize though so why is it affecting me like this?” </p><p> “It was traumatic,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand in hers, “That entire week.  The brain and body remember the traumas subconsciously, even if you don’t consciously remember them.”  </p><p>“Well that’s stupid,” Maya said, shaking her head, “I don’t want to feel like this.  It’s been going so well.  I’m finally feeling like myself again.”  </p><p>“I know,” Carina said, sighing, “It’s been difficult for me too, but we will get through this.” </p><p> “I’m sorry,” Maya said, feeling like she needed to say it again even though they had worked hard to get passed what had happened. </p><p> “There’s no need to apologize,” Carina said, shaking her head as she lifted Maya’s chin and giving her a kiss.  </p><p>They just sat together for a minute before Carina spoke again.  </p><p>“What would you think about going somewhere?” the OB said as Maya looked at her, “Getting away for a few days.  Maybe just going up to the mountains or something.”  </p><p>“That actually sounds amazing,” Maya said, nodding, “I am off for the next three days and I’m sure Andy can handle the station for one shift which would give us 5 days?  We could get an AirBnB.” </p><p> “Sounds good to me,” Carina said, “I can easily get some time off, especially with all the overtime that I’ve been putting in recently.  Let’s see what’s open.”  </p><p>They grabbed Maya’s laptop, finding a treehouse bungalow that they could rent starting that day.  They decided to go for it, both of them knowing how much the other one needed to get away.  They booked the place before going about getting their time off in order.  Neither of them had any problem with it and within two hours, they had packed and were getting ready to go.  </p><p>“Did we forget anything?” Maya asked as she finished packing up some food.  </p><p>“I don’t think so,” Carina said, shaking her head as she filled their water bottles.  </p><p>“Are we really doing this?” Maya said, looking at Carina.  </p><p>“Yes,” Carina said, smiling as she walked over and kissed Maya, “It will be good for us to be out of here for a few days.” </p><p> Maya nodded, grabbing the bag of food as well as her duffle while Carina grabbed hers.  </p><p>“Let’s go,” Maya said, making sure everything was turned off before they left. </p><p> They climbed into the car, having already decided Maya would drive because she got carsick if she wasn’t driving.  Carina had no qualms about it because driving in the US was still a little strange to her.  </p><p>“Do you want to listen to music or talk?” Carina asked, looking at her girlfriend as she started driving. </p><p> “Whatever you want,” Maya said, smiling over at Carina. </p><p> Carina put on some soft music that they could easily talk over if they wanted to.  About five minutes into the drive, Maya looked over at her girlfriend, noticing she looked a thousand miles away.</p><p>  “What are you thinking about?” she asked gently, drawing Carina out of her thoughts.  </p><p>“I don’t know,” Carina said, shaking her head, “Just about everything that has happened in the past 12 months.  About how much our lives have changed.  About how a year ago, if someone would have told me I would still be with you, I would have laughed at them.  Also a little bit about how hard all of it had been.”  </p><p>“Care to elaborate?” Maya asked, noticing Carina looking down at her hands, clearly still wanting to talk.  </p><p>“I was also thinking about how it felt to watch you go through all of it,” Carina said, “And how hard it was for me to go through it too.  All the tears and sleepless nights and fear and learning how to trust again.  And I would do it all again to be here with you.” </p><p> “I love you,” Maya said, trying not to tear up as she reached for Carina’s hand, keeping the other one on the steering wheel.  </p><p>“I love you too Bella,” Carina said, smiling.  </p><p>The rest of the drive, they chatted about work and their friends and how their individual therapies were going.  </p><p>They stopped at a grocery store near their place, grabbing some essentials for the next few days.  They also stopped at a deli/bakery where they got some soup and sandwiches for lunch along with some pastries at Carina’s insistence. </p><p> They then headed up to their place, Maya smiling as she watched the joy on Carina’s face when they pulled in. </p><p> “This place is magical,” Carina said as they pulled their bags out of the car.  </p><p>They headed up the steps, Maya opening the door with the key they had also picked up on the way.</p><p>  “This is adorable,” Carina said, setting some of the grocery bags down in the kitchen.  </p><p>“You’re adorable,” Maya said, cracking a smile at Carina.  </p><p>The brunette walked over to her, kissing Maya passionately. </p><p> “Mhhhh,” Maya said, pulling back as things got heated, “Babe, mmmhhh, as much as I want to continue this, we need to put away the food before it goes bad.” </p><p> Carina pouted a little, but knew Maya was right, going into the kitchen and starting to unload.  Maya helped and before long, everything was away and they were sitting down for lunch.   </p><p>“Look at that view,” Maya said, looking out the huge bay windows that overlooked the mountains. </p><p> “I like my view better,” Carina said, looking at Maya.  </p><p>The blonde smiled and leaned over, planting a kiss on Carina’s lips before they started eating.  </p><p>Once lunch was over, Maya suggested a hike and Carina obliged so they put on some hiking shoes and set out.  </p><p>Maya let Carina set the pace, knowing that she often walked way too fast to be enjoyable for anyone who wasn’t her.  They walked leisurely, finding a nice path that lead to a waterfall.  It was too cold to go in, but they stopped and sat on some rocks, just enjoying the sights and sounds.</p><p>Once they finished the hike, they went back to the house, barely making it in the house before Carina all but jumped Maya, the two of them falling into bed.  </p><p>After they had amazing vacation sex, Carina dozed in bed while Maya got up, heading into the kitchen to start dinner.  </p><p>Once the vegan pot pie was in the oven, she grabbed her book, curling up on the couch with it and a blanket.  She read for about a half an hour before Carina came out of the bedroom.</p><p>“Did you have a good nap?” Maya asked, setting down her book and opening her arms to her girlfriend.  </p><p>“Si,” Carina said, “But it would have been better if you would have joined me.”  </p><p>“I made dinner instead,” Maya said, leaning over and kissing her, “You know I’m not good at napping.”  </p><p>Carina nodded, knowing every time she tried to get Maya to nap with her, even when she was exhausted, were never successful.  </p><p>“It smells amazing in here,” Carina said, taking a deep breath.  </p><p>“Vegan pot pie,” Maya said, knowing it was one of Carina’s favorites.  </p><p>Carina smiled and moved to kiss Maya, starting a long, steamy make out session.  </p><p>An alarm started going off and Maya pulled away, “If I don’t get that, dinner will burn.”  </p><p>Carina pouted but let Maya up.  She went into the kitchen, pulling dinner out of the oven. </p><p> “You hungry?” Maya asked.  </p><p>“Yes,” Carina said, getting up and going to Maya.  </p><p>They made a quick salad before sitting down to their dinner.  </p><p>“Look at the stars,” Carina said, pointing to the sky.  </p><p>“This is the best part of being out here,” Maya said, looking up, “Almost no light pollution.  After dinner, we should go out and enjoy them.” </p><p> They had dinner, cleaning up the kitchen together before putting on some warm clothes, grabbing some blankets, turning off all the lights in the house, and heading outside. </p><p> “This is amazing,” Carina said as they spread out one of the blankets, sitting down. </p><p> Maya wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and they just watched the stars. </p><p> Eventually, it got too cold and Carina wanted to go in.  They went in, enjoyed a nice soak in the large bath tub before heading to bed, both of them exhausted. </p><p> Carina woke up around 4 am having a panic attack.  It happened from time to time after a bad dream, but it never made it easy.  She sat straight up, gasping for air, feeling like a 500 pound weight was on her chest.  The motion woke Maya who immediately sat up, flicking on the light.  Once she realized what was going on, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend.  </p><p>“Just breath with me Car,” she said softly, “Ready?  Breath in… Good, now out.”  </p><p>After about five minutes, Carina finally felt like she could breathe a little better and Maya released her tight grip, instead just holding her girlfriend, running her fingers through her long hair.  </p><p>“Wanna talk about it?” Maya asked softly, kissing the top of Carina’s head. </p><p> “Not really,” Carina said, shaking her head. </p><p> Maya nodded, just keeping Carina in her arms.  </p><p>“It was about you and Jack,” Carina said softly, regretting it as soon as she felt Maya stiffen but she decided to finish it, “It was a stupid nightmare, nothing more.”  </p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Maya said softly, holding Carina a little tighter.  </p><p>“It is not your fault,” Carina said, pushing out of Maya’s arms and looking at her girlfriend, “None of this is your fault.  It’s just how the brain processes.  It’s terrible, but it’s how it works.”  </p><p>Maya nodded, not meeting Carina’s eye.  Carina just leaned over and embraced her girlfriend, Maya immediately reciprocating.  They just sat there for a minute before Carina pulled back.  </p><p>“Do you want to try to sleep some more?” Maya asked.  </p><p>“I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back to sleep right now,” Carina said, rubbing her eyes, “I’m too awake.”  </p><p>“Do you want to go watch the sunrise?” Maya asked, looking at the time and realizing they could catch a beautiful scene if they got up. </p><p>“Sure,” Carina said, nodding, “That actually sounds really nice.”  </p><p>“And then you can nap later if you want,” Maya said, pressing a kiss to Carina’s lips.  </p><p>“I probably will,” Carina nodded, “Because unlike you, I cannot function on this amount of sleep.”  </p><p>“I know,” Maya said, pulling on her leggings, “But this will be so much better than lying in bed trying to sleep.”  </p><p>Once they were both dressed and Maya had a backpack packed with water and some food, they headed out.  It was still dark, but they had both grabbed a flashlight so they could see.  Maya reached out and took Carina’s hand, guiding her to a path.  They made it to a nice little gathering of rocks just off the main path as the sun started to come up.  </p><p>“This is beautiful,” Carina said, leaning back on Maya, “As much as I hate waking up because of a panic attack, this almost makes it worth it.”  </p><p>“It really is beautiful,” Maya said, holding tightly to her girlfriend, “Almost as beautiful as you.” </p><p> Carina smiled, looking up and kissing Maya.  The blonde deepened the kiss, the sunrise all but forgotten by both of them.  Carina broke the kiss after a while, smiling at Maya.  </p><p>“Can we go back to the house?” the brunette asked, rubbing her sleepy eyes.  </p><p>“Of course,” Maya said, nodding, “Let’s go.”  </p><p>They walked together slowly back to their place, the exhaustion starting to hit Carina.  </p><p>“I think I am going to take a nap when we get back,” Carina said, rubbing at her eyes with one hand.  </p><p>“Would it be ok if I went for a run while you sleep?” Maya asked, “I can stay if you want me to.”  </p><p>“No,” Carina said, “Get in your run.  I know you need it, especially now.”  </p><p>Maya nodded, knowing Carina was right.  They made it back to the tree house, Carina changing into pajamas before climbing back into bed.  </p><p>“I will have breakfast ready for you when you wake up,” Maya said, giving Carina another kiss.  “I love you,” Carina said, closing her eyes.  </p><p>“I love you too,” Maya said, heading out.  </p><p>Maya ran for almost 10 miles, feeling a lot better.  In all honesty, her own anxiety was a lot higher today than it was most of the time, but she was determined to deal with it on her own, at least for today because Carina was clearly struggling.  </p><p>She made it back to the tree house after a little over an hour, stretching on the porch before going inside, surprised to see Carina curled up on the couch.  </p><p>“Babe,” Maya said, going to her girlfriend.  </p><p>“I had another panic attack,” Carina said, “And I couldn’t sleep.  My anxiety is really bad today.”  </p><p>“Oh Car,” Maya said, frowning, “Hang on.”  </p><p>Maya ran out of the house, coming back a few minutes later with a duffle bag.  </p><p>“What is that?” Carina asked, rubbing her tired eyes.  </p><p>“Just some stuff I was hoping you wouldn’t need but thought you might,” Maya said, setting the bag down with a thump. </p><p> Carina watched as Maya pulled something out of the bag.  </p><p>“Your weighted blanket,” Maya said, handing the heavy blanket to Carina, “And your heavy-duty anxiety meds if you need them.” </p><p> “Thank you, Bella,” Carina said, eyes filling with tears, “Thank you.  I didn’t even think to bring this stuff.”  </p><p>“I had a feeling you might need it,” Maya said, “You said you hadn’t been feeling well either.”  </p><p>“Will you join me?” Carina asked, needing to feel close to Maya right now.  </p><p>“I need to shower first,” Maya said, “But I’ll be quick.  Give me ten minutes.”  </p><p>Carina nodded as the blonde left.  True to her word, ten minutes later, Maya was back at Carina’s side.  </p><p>“Are you hungry?” Maya asked before she sat down.  </p><p>“Not really,” Carina said, shaking her head, “But if you are, go get something to eat.”  </p><p>“I’m good,” Maya said, sitting down with Carina.  </p><p>Maya wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, just holding her.  Carina drifted off yet again after about twenty minutes, Maya just staying put despite the growling coming from her stomach, not wanting to disturb her sleeping girlfriend. </p><p> About ten minutes after Carina fell asleep, Maya felt her start to shake in her sleep.  She tightened her grip, trying to somehow make her girlfriend feel safe where she was.  </p><p>However, Carina woke up crying not long after, the shaking not stopping.  </p><p>“I’m right here,” Maya said, moving so Carina was in her lap, “It’s ok.” </p><p> Carina just cried, letting Maya hold her for a long time.  The crying eventually stopped, but the shaking was still present.  </p><p>“Babe,” Maya said, feeling her heart break a little at how clearly miserable her girlfriend was, “Why don’t you take your meds?  I know you don’t like them, but you are clearly not ok right now, and it’s not getting better.”  </p><p>Carina nodded a little as Maya reached for the bottle of pills.  She handed one to Carina along with a glass of water.  </p><p>“Will you stay?”  Carina asked after she took the medication.  </p><p>“I promise,” Maya said, nodding, “Can I get up really quick and grab something to eat and go to the bathroom?  Then, I promise I will stay right here until you wake up.”  </p><p>“Of course,” Carina said, nodding, moving so Maya could move, “I probably should eat something too, although I feel like I could throw up right now so maybe not.” </p><p> “How about something small?” Maya asked, knowing if Carina didn’t eat, she would probably wake up even more miserable later, “We got those bananas yesterday.”  </p><p>Carina nodded, getting up and going into the bathroom while Maya got some stuff together for breakfast.  Carina came back five minutes later as Maya was putting breakfast on the coffee table. </p><p> “I made some toast too,” Maya said, “And I might had brought some of that Nutella Andrew got when he went to Italy last time.  If you don’t feel up to it, you can save it for another day, but I know you love it.” </p><p> “Grazie Bella,” Carina said as she sat down on the couch next to Maya, “This looks great.”  </p><p>Maya had grabbed a banana and protein bar for herself as well as some coffee.  </p><p>They sat there together, Carina still shaking pretty badly as her anxiety remained in overdrive.  She managed to get down a banana and piece of toast before deciding she was done. </p><p> She was starting to feel the effects of her medication and was getting sleepy.</p><p>  “Come here,” Maya said, moving so Carina was in her lap, “I will be right here.  I promise.”  </p><p>Carina nodded sleepily as her eyes slipped shut, finally falling into a dreamless sleep.  The shaking took a while to settle, but eventually, Carina was still in Maya’s arms.  </p><p>The blonde just played with her girlfriend’s hair for a while before pulling out her phone.  She listened to some music and read some news.  She checked her emails before pulling up her meditation app.  She had gotten better at meditating in the past year and was slowly starting to enjoy the practice.  She put on one of her favorite sessions, trying to get her own anxiety to calm down.  She knew what it felt like when it got to be too much, and she wasn’t there yet.  </p><p>Once her meditation was over, Maya just put on a podcast, closing her eyes as she enjoyed being curled up with Carina, even if the brunette was knocked out.  </p><p>Carina was out for almost 6 hours, Maya staying with her the whole time, long after her legs and butt fell asleep.  Maya didn’t quite fall asleep, but she did relax quite a bit.  </p><p>However, the minute Carina started to stir in her lap, Maya’s eyes snapped back open.  </p><p>“Hey babe,” Maya said as the drowsy Italian opened her eyes.  </p><p>“You stayed?” Carina said sleepily.  </p><p>“I told you I would,” Maya said, kissing her forehead, “I’m not going to run from you anymore.”  </p><p>Carina smiled, leaning up for a kiss.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rest of their second day was mostly just spent curled up, watching movies while Maya gave Carina a back massage and tried to help keep her anxiety down.  Carina struggled the entire day, having to take another pill to be able to calm down enough to sleep.  </p><p>It was so hard for Maya to watch her girlfriend have such a hard time and she spent much of the day fighting her own demons.  She didn’t dare tell Carina, not wanting to be the reason this day was any harder than she had already made it.  She didn’t sleep super well that night, but it was fine.  </p><p>The third day, they decided to go for an all-day hike, both of them feeling alright.  They found a nice trail to the top of one of the smaller mountains. </p><p> “You alright?” Maya asked as Carina struggled over one of the boulders.  </p><p>“Si,” Carina said, panting a little as Maya helped pull her up, “Grazie.”  </p><p>“Here,” Maya said, pulling a bottle of water out of her pack, “Drink.”  </p><p>Carina took a long sip before handing the bottle to Maya who also took a small drink.  </p><p>“Are you still feeling up to this?” Maya asked as she put the bottle back in her bag.  </p><p>“I’m good,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand as they headed on.  </p><p>Hiking was something Maya loved doing since she quit running professionally. When she was in college, she would drive out to these mountains and hike for the weekend before going back to classes on Monday.  They reached the top just in time for lunch.  </p><p>“This is almost worth all that climbing,” Carina said, looking out at the view.  </p><p>“Was it really that bad?” Maya asked, hating that she had asked to go for this hike if it made Carina miserable.  </p><p>“No,” Carina said, shaking her head as Maya set out their picnic blanket, “I was just kidding.  This is worth every second of that hike.  I don’t totally hate hiking.  Andrea, Mama, and I used to do it when I would visit them in the summers.  It was never like this, but we would go for small hikes.  It was nice.”  </p><p>Maya smiled as Carina reminisced.  It wasn’t often she brought up her mother so when she did, Maya always listened quietly. </p><p> “Ready for some lunch?” Maya asked as she pulled the sandwiches, fruit, and veggies out of her bag.  </p><p>“I can’t believe you carried all of this up here,” Carina said, “I could have helped.”  </p><p>“You do know I carry 50 to 75 pounds of gear when I’m working right?” Maya said, laughing, “Some food and water feels like nothing.”  </p><p>They ate, enjoying the views and the company.  </p><p>“Are you ready to head back down?” Maya asked a while after they finished lunch.  </p><p>“Si,” Carina said, helping Maya repack their bag.  </p><p>The hike down was easier and they made it back down within a few hours.  </p><p>“You know what sounds really good right now?” Maya said as they opened the door. </p><p> “Hot tub?” Carina asked.  </p><p>“It’s like you can read my mind,” Maya said, setting down her bag in the kitchen. </p><p> Maya went and turned on the hot tub while Carina unpacked their bag.  </p><p>“It should take about fifteen minutes to heat up according to the box,” Maya said, coming back inside.  </p><p>“Perfect,” Carina said, pulling out a bottle of wine and some glasses. </p><p> They went and changed before finding some towels. </p><p> “Let’s do this,” Carina said, grabbing the wine bottle as Maya grabbed the glasses.  </p><p>“This feels amazing,” Carina said, sliding into the hot water.  </p><p>They enjoyed their time in the hot water, both of them relaxing after the long hike.  The rest of the night was perfect.  They made pizza for dinner, took a long shower, and just enjoyed being together. </p><p> The next day, Carina decided she was too tired for another climb so they instead went and walked around the lake, taking another picnic.  It was beautiful and exactly what they both wanted.  </p><p>Then then went back to their place, Carina taking a nap while Maya went for a run.  The blonde was starting to struggle more with her anxiety and she was trying everything she knew to keep it from getting to overwhelming.  She ran far, going just under 15 miles.  </p><p>When she got back, her body was exhausted.  She forgot how much more taxing running at a high elevation was on her body.  </p><p>“You were gone a long time Bella,” Carina said as she walked in the door, face red and sweaty, “Everything alright?”  </p><p>“Just needed to try to calm down,” Maya said, grabbing a cup of water, “It didn’t really work though.” </p><p> “What’s going on?” Carina asked, going to Maya.  </p><p>“My mind’s just racing,” Maya said, shrugging, “I keep having… memories of everything that happened last year.  It’s like everything keeps replaying in my mind, all the terrible things I did and said.”  </p><p>Carina nodded, ignoring how sweaty her girlfriend was as she wrapped her arms around her.  </p><p>“I just wish it wasn’t so hard,” Maya said, trying really hard not to cry, “I just wish I could turn it off.”  </p><p>“I know,” Carina said, pressing a kiss into Maya’s hair, “I wish I could make it stop.”  </p><p>Carina just held her for a minute before Maya pulled away. </p><p> “I need to shower,” Maya said with a sigh, “I am so nasty right now.”  </p><p>“Do you want to take a bath together?” Carina asked.  </p><p>“That actually sounds amazing,” Maya said, nodding.  </p><p>“I’ll go start it,” Carina said, going into the bathroom while Maya drank some more water.  </p><p>The blonde went into the bathroom a minute later, immediately stripping off her sweat soaked clothes.  Carina pulled off her own clothes before they both climbed into the tub, Carina holding Maya.  </p><p>“What do you want to do with the rest of the day?” Maya asked, looking back at Carina.  </p><p>“Well, it’s almost 5 pm,” Carina said, chuckling a little, “We probably need to have dinner and then whatever you want, watch a movie or something?”  </p><p>“That sounds good,” Maya said, relaxing a little, “I think we have leftovers from the past two nights we could just heat up.”  </p><p>“Perfect,” Carina said, kissing the back of Maya’s head.  </p><p>The bath was nice and felt good on Maya’s sore muscles.  They stayed in until the water got cold before Maya hopped in a quick shower to wash her hair while Carina went to get dinner ready.  </p><p>Once she was done in the shower, Maya dressed in her favorite sweat pants and one of Carina’s shirts before going to find her girlfriend.  </p><p>“Food’s heating up in the oven,” Carina said, “Wine?”  </p><p>“Of course,” Maya said, nodding as Carina pulled out a bottle. </p><p> Within ten minutes, they were eating dinner curled up on the couch.  </p><p>“This is nice,” Maya said as they finished, “Being up here.  This was a good idea.”  </p><p>Carina nodded, leaning down and kissing her.  Soon, all plans to watch a movie were forgotten as they headed into the bedroom, enjoying their time together until they were both exhausted and fell asleep.  </p><p>The morning of the fourth day, Maya woke up at 2 am feeling terrible.  Her head hurt, her body was achy, and she just didn’t feel well.  She just pulled the blankets up closer to her chin, turning away from Carina and trying to fall back to sleep.  However, as hard as she tried, sleep never came.</p><p>When Carina woke up at 8:30, she was a little surprised Maya was still in bed.  She looked, seeing the blonde was awake.  </p><p>“Hey Bella,” Carina said, noticing right away something seemed off about her girlfriend, “What’s wrong?”  </p><p>“I don’t feel well,” Maya mumbled, rubbing her eyes.  </p><p>“What doesn’t feel well?” Carina asked, reaching out her hand and putting it on Maya’s forehead, noting the lack of a fever.  </p><p>“My head hurts,” Maya said, “And my body is achy. I’ve been up since 2 am. I don’t know.  Today just feels like a bad day.” </p><p> “That’s alright,” Carina said, feeling her heart break a little as Maya talked. </p><p> “Bad days,” was how Maya referred to days when her depression was overwhelming and exhausting.  They had become rarer in the past few months as Maya got on the right medication and worked hard in therapy, but they still did happen.  </p><p>Carina grabbed her phone with one hand, rubbing Maya’s back with the other.  It was then that Carina realized what was probably going on.  It had been a year to the day since Maya’s altercation with her father. </p><p> It was also the one-year anniversary of them getting back together, which made Carina’s heart soar a little because this was by far the longest relationship she had ever been in and the happiest she had ever been in a relationship. </p><p> She decided though, that for a little while at least, she was going to just let Maya rest and offer her whatever support she needed much like Maya had done a few days ago for her.  </p><p>“I’m going to go make some coffee,” Carina said, leaning down and kissing Maya’s cheek, “Do you want anything?”  </p><p>Maya shrugged, burring her face further under the covers.  Carina rubbed her back for another second before going out to the kitchen, flipping on the coffee pot.  She also made up a plate of the scones and muffins they had baked the day before, knowing that it was always smart to have food just in case Maya decided she was hungry.  </p><p>Once the coffee was done, she put both cups as well as the plate of food on a tray, carrying it into the bedroom.  Maya looked out from under the covers at her, rolling toward her when she sat down.  </p><p>“You should go hike or something today,” Maya said, moving closer to Carina, “We are only up here for one more day, and just because my stupid body and brain can’t get it together, you should still go.” </p><p> “We came up here to be together,” Carina said, “And I want to be with you.  And don’t call my amazing girlfriend’s body or brain stupid.”  </p><p>“I love you,” Maya said, smiling a little as she looked up at Carina.  </p><p>“Did you know it had been a year since you told me that for the first time?” Carina said, smiling down at Maya.  </p><p>“Really?” Maya said, rubbing her eyes.  </p><p>“Yeah,” Carina said, kissing her, “It has been a year of loving each other.”  </p><p>Maya smiled wide for a minute before the reality of the rest of the day fell on her.  </p><p>“That explains why I feel like this,” Maya said, burying her face in her pillow before realizing how that sounded and immediately backtracked, “Not because of you.  God, not because of you Car.  I love you.  I love that you have known I love you for a year.  It’s just everything else that happened that day…” </p><p>“I know Bella,” Carina said, stopping her, “I know what you meant.”  </p><p>Maya just started crying then, Carina moving to hold her.  The tears quickly escalated to hard sobs, each one pulling on her heartstrings.  </p><p>“I’m right here Bella,” Carina whispered in her ear.  </p><p>Maya clung to Carina, the breakdown lasting a while before the tears tapered off.  </p><p>“I don’t even know why I’m crying,” Maya said, taking a tissue from Carina.  </p><p>“Sometimes it just happens,” Carina said, “You know that.”  </p><p>Maya nodded, just staying where she was in Carina’s arms.  </p><p>“I just want to feel less awful today,” Maya said after a while, “I want to be able to stop feeling like this when I think about my dad, about that day.”  </p><p>“And maybe one day you will,” Carina said, “Hopefully, with more therapy and time, it will get easier.”  </p><p>Maya nodded, turning to look at Carina.  </p><p>“I really do love you,” Maya said, leaning up and kissing her, “So so much.”  </p><p>“And I love you too,” Carina said, kissing her back, “So do you feel up to a movie today?  Or some music?  Or do you just want to stay here cuddling?  I am good with any of those options or whatever you want.”  </p><p>“Can we listen to something?” Maya asked, “Whatever you want.”  </p><p>Carina nodded, putting on a playlist that was a mix of her and Maya’s music.  They just laid there, Maya on Carina’s chest.  Carina went to play with Maya’s hair, something that was normally calming to the blonde, but this time, she immediately flinched away. </p><p> “Sorry,” Carina said softly, pressing a kiss to Maya’s forehead.  </p><p>Maya just sighed, clearly frustrated with her own reaction.  </p><p>“Bella,” Carina said, “It’s ok.  However your body reacts and however you feel is ok.”  </p><p>“I just hate that he still has this power over me,” Maya said, wiping tears from her face, “I just want to be able to move on and not have to deal with this anymore.” </p><p> “You know that’s not going to happen any time soon,” Carina said, tightening her hold on her girlfriend, “Everything that has happened, every good and bad thing, is why you are who you are today, and that is the woman I love.  Not who you might have been if this stuff didn’t happen, but the amazing, strong, caring, dedicated woman you are because of it.” </p><p> Maya felt more tears running down her face as Carina talked.  </p><p>“How do you always know what to say to make me feel a little less awful?” Maya asked, rolling over and looking at Carina.  </p><p>“Because I know you Bella,” Carina said, kissing her, “And I love you.”  </p><p>Maya nodded, kissing Carina back.  They continued making out, Carina taking Maya’s lead, not wanting to push her girlfriend into anything she wasn’t up to.  </p><p>Eventually, Maya pulled away, just curling into Carina’s embrace.  </p><p>“I love you,” Carina said, kissing the top of Maya’s head.  </p><p>They just stayed there for a long time, Carina trying to make Maya feel better or at least feel calm.  After about an hour, Maya moved out of Carina’s embrace. </p><p>“Everything ok Bella?” Carina asked. </p><p> “Yeah,” Maya said, nodding, “Just need to go to the bathroom.” </p><p> Carina nodded, getting up at the same time.  She went out to the car, grabbing the extra stuff she had brought.  She took something out of her bag, setting it up before going into the house.  She found Maya curled back up in bed.  </p><p>“I thought maybe you took my advice and went for a hike,” Maya said, looking at Carina as she walked in.  </p><p>“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, “I went to get some stuff from the car.”  </p><p>Maya looked a little confused, but didn’t really move from the ball she was curled up in under the covers.  </p><p>“I have your emergency meds,” Carina said, setting the bottle down on the side table, “Just in case.  And my sweatshirt that you like to wear… and something else that I set up outside if you want to go out.  If you just want to stay in bed, that is completely fine, and I will stay right here with you, but I thought maybe you might like a change of pace, a little sunshine.”  </p><p>Maya took the sweatshirt, putting it on before getting up.  </p><p>“Thank you,” Maya said, walking into Carina’s embrace, “I think I’m up to going outside.”  </p><p>Carina nodded, just holding Maya until she pulled away. </p><p> “Ready?” Carina asked, taking Maya’s hand. </p><p> The blonde nodded, following Carina out the door.  </p><p>“You brought my hammock?” Maya said, looking out at the trees surrounding the house, “And you set it up?”  </p><p>“Si,” Carina said, nodding as they headed down the steps.  </p><p>“Thank you,” Maya said as they climbed into the hammock together, “This is exactly what I needed today.”  </p><p>They just laid in the hammock together, Carina holding Maya as they listened to the sounds of nature and watched the clouds.  </p><p>Around noon, Carina went inside to make lunch, Maya just staying in the hammock.  She must have drifted off because she started having a dream.  Well, not a dream so much as a flashback.  She was back at the bombing scene, her father berating her loudly and in front of everyone, but this time, instead of being able to walk away, she found herself stuck there, just listening to every horrible thing her dad had ever said to her.  </p><p>Suddenly she woke up, someone shaking her.  </p><p>“Bella,” Carina said, pulling Maya into a hug, “Hey, what’s wrong?”  </p><p>Maya just sobbed, holding tightly to Carina.  Carina managed to climb back into the hammock with Maya, just holding her as she cried.  Eventually, the sobs quieted, but Maya still clung to Carina.  </p><p>“Do you wanna talk about it?” Carina asked gently, pressing a kiss into her girlfriend’s hair.  </p><p>Maya shook her head, not moving.  </p><p>“That’s ok,” Carina said, squeezing her tighter.  </p><p>“Are you feeling up to something to eat?” Carina asked a while later, “I made some sandwiches.  Or I can get you whatever you want.”  </p><p>“I’m not really hungry,” Maya said, shaking her head, “But you should go eat.”  </p><p>“Will you be ok here by yourself for a little while?” Carina asked, rubbing Maya’s back. </p><p> The blonde nodded, moving so Carina could climb out.  She just stayed curled up in the hammock, everything from her dream playing on repeat in her head, making her feel like absolute garbage.  She pulled out her phone, putting on some music in an attempt to drown out the noise inside her head.  </p><p>That’s how Carina found her fifteen minutes later when she came back out with a bottle of water.  </p><p>“How are you feeling?” Carina asked, handing the bottle to Maya before climbing back into the hammock. </p><p> Maya just shrugged, cuddling into Carina’s arms.  </p><p>“It was about my dad,” Maya said softly about then minutes later, “My dream.  It was about my dad.  I was back at the scene for the bombing last year and he started yelling at me, but this time, I couldn’t walk away.  I couldn’t leave.  I just had to stand there and listen and I know it shouldn’t impact me like this, but now it’s just playing in my head and I can’t get it to stop.”  </p><p>“Oh Bella,” Carina said, rubbing Maya’s back as she cried.  </p><p>They just stayed there, Carina softly humming as Maya’s tears calmed. </p><p>“Is there anything I can do?” Carina asked gently, kissing Maya’s tear stained cheeks.  </p><p>“I don’t know,” Maya said, shrugging, “This is helping.  Just being here with you.  It’s making me feel a little less awful I think.” </p><p> “I will stay here as long as you want me to,” Carina said.  </p><p>“Thank you,” Maya said softly.  </p><p>They spent much of the rest of the day just curled up in the hammock together.  Around 4, both of them needed to use the bathroom so they went inside. </p><p> After she finished in the bathroom, Maya climbed back into bed, pulling the blankets up over her head.  About fifteen minutes later, Carina came looking for her, smiling sadly at the sight in front of her. </p><p> “Maya,” she said, sitting down next to the blob in the bed.  </p><p>“Can I just be alone for a little bit?” the blonde asked, not coming out from under the covers.  </p><p>“Do you want to be alone because you don’t want to burden me or because you are just feeling like you need some space?” Carina asked gently.  </p><p>“I just want some space,” Maya said, poking her head out from under the blankets, “Just for a little bit.” </p><p>“Ok,” Carina said, pressing a kiss to Maya’s lips, “I will be out in the living room if you need me.”  </p><p>Maya buried herself back in the blankets, hating that she was pushing Carina away, but she really was feeling overwhelmed and needed her own space to process it. </p><p> About an hour later, she was feeling at least a little less like being alone, but still not much like getting out of bed.  She grabbed her phone, texting Carina.  Five minutes later, the brunette appeared in the doorway with two plates of food.  </p><p>“I made lasagna,” Carina said, setting one of the plates down on Maya’s nightstand, “I know you haven’t felt much like eating, but I thought maybe this could entice you to eat a little something.”  </p><p>“Thank you,” Maya said, sitting up a little bit. </p><p> Maya leaned on Carina’s shoulder as the brunette sat down. </p><p>“You need to eat Bella,” Carina said, picking up her own fork.  </p><p>Maya made no motion to move so Carina came up with a better plan.  She took her own fork, holding it to Maya’s lips. To her surprise, the blonde opened her mouth, taking a bite.  </p><p>“Why are you such a good cook?” Maya asked as she swallowed.  </p><p>Carina just laughed a little, feeding Maya another bite.  To both of their surprises, Maya finished all of Carina’s food.  </p><p>“Sorry,” Maya said when she saw how much she had eaten.  </p><p>“It’s fine,” Carina said, laughing, “More than fine actually.  It’s good to see you eat something.” </p><p> Maya didn’t get out of bed the rest of the night except to brush her teeth before bed.  Carina convinced her to take one of her pills before bed, knowing that the nightmares Maya had during the day were a good indicator that the night was not going to go well.  </p><p>“Thank you for doing nothing with me today,” Maya said as she and Carina cuddled together before bed.  </p><p>“I would happily do nothing with you any day,” Carina said, kissing her. </p><p> “I love you,” Maya said, kissing her back, “So so much.  And I hope we can spend many more years loving each other.” </p><p> “I love you too Bella,” Carina said, smiling a little, “And nothing would make me happier.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What did you think?  I really enjoyed writing this story, but let's be honest, I really enjoy writing most of my stories.  Tomorrow, I have another one-shot for you all! I can't believe this Month of Marina is coming to an end in just a few short days!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter focused a little more on Carina, the next one will be more Maya.  What do you think so far?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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